As the season of Advent is just right around the corner, we once again go into a period of waiting, waiting for the coming of Jesus Christ.  So we once again sing songs of waiting and longing.  It truly is a wonderful time of the year.  Most people take Advent lightly, because Christmas is celebrated in such a grand way that Advent seems small and become unappreciated.  But like a child waiting for his birthday to come around, it is through the anticipation and the anxiety that we really experience joy of what is to come.  It is our anticipation of Christmas and our anxieties of getting ourselves and our family ready for the big celebration that make the experience of Christmas meaningful.

So this period of waiting is not so bad, or so it seems.  Reflecting on my discernment to the religious life, I am in a continuous stage of waiting.  And there are a lot of anxieties that accompany the waiting.  Discernment to the religious life is like discerning many other things in life, like marriage, career changes, and other important family decisions.  We’re never sure if our decision is right.  Right now, I’m waiting for the sky to open up, with a commanding voice that says, “yes!” or “keep up the good work,” something, anything, to give me a slight confirmation that this is the right path for me.  But, instead I hear voices from within me challenging me, tempting me, and luring me away from the path I’m on now.  Then there are other voices from the outside, friends, family, formators, and other religious who provide both confirmations and doubts. 

Then, there’s also the discernment of further education after vows (assuming I will take vows).  To me, this is still far off still, but there is a time restriction for brother candidates to discern their educational goals.  Just another problem for me to ponder about and more reasons for me to look for divine affirmation. 

If there is an easy way out, I would have taken it.  But discernment, and wanting to know if we’re on the right path of life, doing the right thing, is never a for-sure thing.  I can only take small steps, take in the anxiety and tension, and “enjoy” this waiting period.  The more I wait, the more anxious I become (taken in good light), but all that will one day produce the joy of personal confirmation. 

Though we can never be sure where our current path will take us, we can find assurance and joy out of where we stand on the path today.  Imagine walking a forest path, not knowing exactly where it will take you.  Though we might be very fearful, especially when the night is about to fall.  But it doesn’t take much to stop, and look at our surrounding, at the verdant path, the tall evergreens reaching to the heavens, the many life forces singing around us, and we can say to ourselves “what a wonderful world!”  And we can at least for a few seconds, enjoy where we are, amidst our feelings of lost and insecurity.  This is our personal confirmation, and it can bring great joy!  And this is where I am now.  I’m not sure where this path will take me. I feel anxious, and I worry constantly for what is to come.  But at times, I am able to forget all that (even if for just a few minutes) and simply enjoy the current moment of my life in the Novitiate.  Along the path, I have learned to enjoy the verdant friendships, the high spiritual life directing me to the heavens, and the many zealous people singing for joy around me.  And I’m able to say to myself, “what a wonderful world!”

The writer and activist Thich Nhat Hanh writes, “Life can be found only in the present moment. The past is gone, the future is not yet here, and if we do not go back to ourselves in the present moment, we cannot be in touch with life.”  Discernment is very important and we must look to the future, but it never hurts to stop for a few moments to let ourselves be touched by the present.  So I invite you all, to take few moments out of your day to appreciate the life around you, and say, “what a wonderful world!”

-Nathaniel Nguyen-

It’s been almost three months since I entered the Novitiate.  Though this is not an academic year, it is still filled with a lot of informative conferences, in which I learn more about spirituality, religious life and its vows, and many other topics.  One of the major topics that the novitiate has covered in the last few months has been personality types. I have had workshops on the Myers Briggs and the Enneagram, conferences on discernment and the Ignatius examen.  As skeptical as I was, I didn’t think that it was right “type” people into different categories.  But upon reflecting the historical efforts of the world to understand itself, I also find these discoveries to be of help and useful.

Those who know me well will most likely be able to quickly categorize me into the right typologies.  I am often the stereotypical face of these types.  So why then is it important for me, as well as for others to spend great amount of energy to discover our own types?  When we carefully look into the process of typology, our personality types are divided into various categories, whether that is introvert/extrovert, thinking/feeling, intuitive/sensing, or perceiving/judging in the Myer-Briggs; or as in the Enneagram, our various personality types are categorized into a complex system of 9 types, with wings and arrow theories etc.  I don’t claim to know too much about any of these typologies, but my experience tells me that the typologies fundamentally point out both our strengths and weaknesses.

As stereotypical as they maybe, these types tell us a bit more about who we are.  The positive qualities of these types are nice and flattering indeed, but it is the negative qualities that we ought to focus on.  Not that we want to be pessimistic, but we want to be aware of our inner weaknesses.  Why we behave or react negatively in certain situations.  Knowing ourselves, who we are, has been a quest our ancestors have started long ago, and we as descendants are still trying to accomplish.  The task of understanding the human person begins with us.  We must be open to search deep within our hearts and say, this is who I am.  I have sinned, and am a weak person, I am human.  We don’t necessarily have to proclaim this to the world, but when we look at ourselves in the mirror, we ought to be able to honestly see ourselves and see the incompleteness of ourselves.

I’m not asking us to become emotionally depressing people.  We should have already acknowledged our strength and gifts, and cherish them as an important part of our personal identity.  But unless we’re also able to accept our weaknesses and failures, we can never grow to become a psychological and spiritually mature person.

Having gone through the different typology workshops, and having examined myself, I see that I am not perfect, and I have a lot of room for improvement.  And I want to continue to struggle with myself and challenge myself.  And this is the scariest thing.  It is so much easier to challenge and criticize others, but to challenge and criticize ourselves, which in itself is a challenge.  I know that I too often rationalize my failure and make excuses to comfort myself.  But if I continue on this path, my maturation will be stunt and I will never surpass who I am today.  Therefore, pray for the grace of humility to accept myself: both my strength and weaknesses.  I want to be able to say thank you God for all the gifts that I have.  And I want to be able to humbly ask God for the strength to face my failures and weaknesses, and continually stepping forward to improve myself.

These, to me are the values of typology.  It is to know yourself better, in order to improve yourself.  For if we don’t grow and mature, then we’re already dead and decaying.  In the end, I want to be like an oak tree, slowly but surely growing every day, never stopping, never doubting, always facing toward the light.  Through the seasons, I hope that my dead branches will fall off, to make room for new life.  This way, I will one day become that deeply-rooted, majestic oak tree shimmering in the light.  A tree that can withstand all the storms that life throws at me.  Then, I will truly become the symbol of life for others, as God is the life source for me.

Before entering my novitiate year at Techny, IL. , I had a false sense of what the year would be like.  Partly, this is because of the many people that have gone before me, who have said that the novitiate will be the best time of my life.  It will be a year away from all the academics.  It’ll be a year to eat, sleep, pray, and relax.  Just me and God! 

The previous descript sounds like a yearlong honey moon between me and God.  Which in some sense is true, but it is so much more!  The first few weeks of my novitiate program consisted of orientations and settling into a new home.  That time was truly the honeymoon period.  There were countless welcoming parties and everyone extended themselves to make me feel at home.  Then, gradually I was slapped in the face with reality.

My experience of the novitiate has been a scary one.  And rightfully so!  My day begins at 7 A.M. with Morning Prayer and mass, follows by breakfast, then conferences on religious life.  Conferences are like classes, only I don’t have papers or exams to worry about.  But I do have a lot of reading to do.  Conferences are followed by a period of silence: no talking, no cell phone, no internet, nothing but solitude!  This was the most terrifying experience at first, and why I said my experience was a scary one.  For in life, how often do we actually silence ourselves from all the noise and distractions in our lives, and allow ourselves to just “be”?  It is in these periods of silence throughout my day that I face the demon within, myself!  It is in the silence that I come to face myself, ask the tough questions, and allow myself to recall my encounters with God.  This truly was not easy at first.  I struggled to occupy myself someway, somehow, just to fill the void, in order to not face myself, to not face God.  But the silence gradually consumes me, and I slowly came to be at peace with it.   And in this silence, I have come to better understand myself, my weaknesses, and from my self-awareness, I am now seeking God who is the fulfillment of all voids.

This, so far is only the beginning of my journey in the novitiate year.  I no longer expect it to be a tropical honeymoon, but have come to embrace this desert experience.  In this desert, there will be times when my find myself thirsting for God, and other times hungry to escape the desert.  There will be times when the sun will become unbearable, and I will cry out against God.  And there will be other times when I find consolations at the oasis, bathing myself in and drinking my fill of God’s goodness.  And in all of these good times and bad times, I wish to share with you my readers, my experiences of God.  I hope that by sharing my experience with you, you too can somehow be transformed into a blossoming flower, always facing the sun, always facing toward our one true source of life, God.

I hope to contribute to this blog, weekly if not more.  And with your prayer and support, I know that my journey through the desert will one day come to an end, and I will arrive at my destination.  Hopefully, by God’s will, that destination will be in front of the altar of God, professing my vows.