As the season of Advent is just right around the corner, we once again go into a period of waiting, waiting for the coming of Jesus Christ. So we once again sing songs of waiting and longing. It truly is a wonderful time of the year. Most people take Advent lightly, because Christmas is celebrated in such a grand way that Advent seems small and become unappreciated. But like a child waiting for his birthday to come around, it is through the anticipation and the anxiety that we really experience joy of what is to come. It is our anticipation of Christmas and our anxieties of getting ourselves and our family ready for the big celebration that make the experience of Christmas meaningful.
So this period of waiting is not so bad, or so it seems. Reflecting on my discernment to the religious life, I am in a continuous stage of waiting. And there are a lot of anxieties that accompany the waiting. Discernment to the religious life is like discerning many other things in life, like marriage, career changes, and other important family decisions. We’re never sure if our decision is right. Right now, I’m waiting for the sky to open up, with a commanding voice that says, “yes!” or “keep up the good work,” something, anything, to give me a slight confirmation that this is the right path for me. But, instead I hear voices from within me challenging me, tempting me, and luring me away from the path I’m on now. Then there are other voices from the outside, friends, family, formators, and other religious who provide both confirmations and doubts.
Then, there’s also the discernment of further education after vows (assuming I will take vows). To me, this is still far off still, but there is a time restriction for brother candidates to discern their educational goals. Just another problem for me to ponder about and more reasons for me to look for divine affirmation.
If there is an easy way out, I would have taken it. But discernment, and wanting to know if we’re on the right path of life, doing the right thing, is never a for-sure thing. I can only take small steps, take in the anxiety and tension, and “enjoy” this waiting period. The more I wait, the more anxious I become (taken in good light), but all that will one day produce the joy of personal confirmation.
Though we can never be sure where our current path will take us, we can find assurance and joy out of where we stand on the path today. Imagine walking a forest path, not knowing exactly where it will take you. Though we might be very fearful, especially when the night is about to fall. But it doesn’t take much to stop, and look at our surrounding, at the verdant path, the tall evergreens reaching to the heavens, the many life forces singing around us, and we can say to ourselves “what a wonderful world!” And we can at least for a few seconds, enjoy where we are, amidst our feelings of lost and insecurity. This is our personal confirmation, and it can bring great joy! And this is where I am now. I’m not sure where this path will take me. I feel anxious, and I worry constantly for what is to come. But at times, I am able to forget all that (even if for just a few minutes) and simply enjoy the current moment of my life in the Novitiate. Along the path, I have learned to enjoy the verdant friendships, the high spiritual life directing me to the heavens, and the many zealous people singing for joy around me. And I’m able to say to myself, “what a wonderful world!”
The writer and activist Thich Nhat Hanh writes, “Life can be found only in the present moment. The past is gone, the future is not yet here, and if we do not go back to ourselves in the present moment, we cannot be in touch with life.” Discernment is very important and we must look to the future, but it never hurts to stop for a few moments to let ourselves be touched by the present. So I invite you all, to take few moments out of your day to appreciate the life around you, and say, “what a wonderful world!”
-Nathaniel Nguyen-